First few days... and Chinese Physical Exam

View from outside my window, smog/dust!

    After the nightmare that was trying to get out of America, I was pleasantly surprised to find Beijing to be super easy to get around in once I arrived.  The airport, re-built for the Olympics is a massive beautiful building, obviously built to impress first timers to China!

  The first two days were super jet lagged.  Worse than I recall when I traveled from Seattle to Bangkok, but also when I was in Southeast Asia I had no agenda to attend to so I could nap whenever I wanted.

   It is dusty here, the city is in the desert.  Mix that dust with the smog and it creates a impenetrable fog, even on a clear day with blue skies, you can only see so far on the ground!  WEIRD!

    I am playing right now nightly at the top of the tallest building in Beijing, at the Atmosphere bar/club.  It is a super hip, really happening place - awesome, but before I get on a tangent and start talking about random stuff that I did not really intend to write about,  (like music stuff, which I will eventually write about, however right now we are just trying to get things rolling...[See, tangents already]) I am going to list three interesting and funny things that have happened to me in the last two days.  (OH MAN YOU SHOULD SEE THE GYM I HAVE ACCESS TO, AND LESLIE THE BUFFEST CHINESE DUDE EVER IS GONNA HELP ME GET RIPPED![sorry again])

Kind of funny things:

   The Pukers

   Our Chinese Sound Man

   The Physical Examination

The Pukers:  So right when we arrived and set up for the first rehearsal we were warned by a Swedish man who helps manage the club about 'Pukers'.  Pukers are people who drink too much at the club, and then get sick.  Not unusual for anybody who has been to Havana or Shorty's, but the Atmosphere bar is super swanky and extremely expensive and ritzy.  The difference between what 'Pukers' do and your average 20somethings in Seattle (aside from the choice of establishment..) is that in China, the 'Pukers' will NOT LEAVE TO THE BATHROOM TO THROW UP.  I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, IT IS DISGUSTING.  So, there are people lounging on these plush pillow beds, then they roll over and throw up in a small bucket that is nearby.  It is absolutely so bizarre to me and so different than what we would do in the states, which would be run to the bathroom and throw up in shame while tears stream down your cheeks and your forehead rests on the porcelain queen.

I have been trying to figure out why the 'Pukers' do what they do, and with the help of some very smart people who have lived here for a long time already 'I' have determined it is a whole status/face thing.  Imagine how vulnerable and shitty and embarrassed you are when you are vomiting.  Now imagine you are with someone important to your life... say, your boss.  In America, if I were to puke in front of my boss in a restaurant or club, I would be mortified, and would probably consider microwaving myself to death.   Here, when you throw up in front of somebody you are giving yourself to them.  You are saying, look at me, I need your help, you are so above me, please help and take care of me because I need you and you are so great and generous.  The 'help' then is obligated to take care of their underling because they are so weak and cannot take care of themselves.  "What a poor poor person, let me help you, because I am so nice and kind, and I take care of people who need to be taken care of."  When my friends throw up in front of me, or are passing out, I roll them on their stomach, call them some sort of profanity, might give 'em a kick or two for being such a pain in the ass, then leave them until morning.  HA!

The next thing I need to find out about the pukers is exactly how strategic this action is.  Does the boss buy super stiff drinks to make this happen to be 'above' the consumer?  Does the underling drink too much on purpose so that they make themselves appear inferior?  Or to please their superiors?  Do these people throw up on command?  Is it unpleasant for them?  Do they get the sweats before they do it?  I really need to figure this out, there are 'pukers' at our club every night and it is freaking me out.

Our Chinese Sound Man:  I do not think he has ever ran sound or even played with a mixing board before in his life.  After angrily slapping hands when I tried to touch nobs, run cables, or get behind the board, we allowed him to do his thing.  His thing did not work.  At all.  3 sm58's on the drum set? Don't think so buddy --- and they are all in the wrong spots.  So, I snuck in there the other day and I unplugged the large Yamaha 32 channel board and re wired it a little, still not good, but at least now we know how it works a little.  I think there is a discrepancy between voltages with the electronic equipment that causes some strange 'freak outs' in the PA system.  Its kind of fun, and improvisational.  Sometimes the sound will cut out randomly, huge explosions of booms can be heard mid tune, and feedback like an endless knot toy.  I do not know how this place has been getting by...

This tiny sign brought relief, I was not being kidnapped!

Physical Examination:  To live here, I have to be approved by Chinese immigration.  This requires a plethora of things, but today the portion that I completed was the physical examination.  Here is the short version, because I am tired of writing this blog right now. (In hindsight, apparently I was not too tired...)

Step 1.  Drive two hours to a far away place, where they make all foreigners get to in order to have the exam.  There is only one place to do this in Beijing.  Why did they make it so far away from where foreigners actually would be?  I think it is like a test of sorts, as if the government is saying "If you can make it here without dying in some sort of horrible car accident, you can live in China."

Step 2.  Register, pay fee, fill out paperwork.

Step 3.  Wait in a concrete building, not homey in the least.  Tile floors, cold, plain blue, unfriendly.

Step 4.  Get a list of 'class-rooms' you must run around this building to and have examinations in.

a. Room 101 - Vision test

b. Room 103 - Blood pressure test

c.  Room 104 - X-rays

d. Room 106 - ENT examination

e. Room 105 - Surgery (WHAT THE HELL IS THAT>>!)

f. Room 210 - Blood draw

g. Room 111 - Electric heart examination thingy..? Clamps, pads, wires, suction cups

h. Room 203 - Ultra sound.

Step 5 - Run from classroom to classroom completing random acts of health care (wow, I like that... I think I am on to something!!! RAHC!) like a chicken with its head cut off.  The best thing, is you never know when it is going to hurt....

Step 6 - Get home.

It was kind of fun, weird little tests.  Surgery was the best one - they had me take off my shoes and stand on a scale with what looked to be a shower head above me.  Three large beeps sounded.  The end.
Blood draw - easy, cute nurse yelled at me because I was not holding two fingers over my puncture wound when I got done.  SORRY!
Ultra sound - older Chinese woman slathered some sort of Vaseline all over my torso.

Me getting poked.

Weird electronic heart test - Two girls gasped when I took my shirt off, then attached suction cups all over me.  Then chatted and looked concerned as they looked at my paperwork.... not telling me anything.  AHHAHAHA
Vision test - failed big time.  Doctor says, 'Contacts'?  Then me, a total idiot says "No, glasses" and made the circles around the eyes with my fingers thing.  That totally confused him.  Then I had to explain waayyyy to much about how I wear glasses, but was not wearing them.  God, should have kept my mouth shut.
X-Rays - got to take a bunch of X-rays on a dirty machine.  Probably would have cost thousands in the USA.
Blood pressure test - I always get nervous for these and give bad readings...
ENT - Open up and say AH, look left, look right.  Stick out your tongue.  Gladly.

I think I passed.  I mean, jazz musician health inspection?  Come on man...

As we were leaving we asked our driver if we could go get coffee somewhere before the two hour drive home (because we were not allowed to eat for 12 hours before this whole thing...).  He promptly said 'No, hotel.'  Alright, to the hotel then!

There it is.  Three kind of funny things that happened to me - I promise next blog will have some real substance to it : )

***DISCLOSURE:  I am passing on information here that may or may not be true - I have not deeply researched into basically any information that you are reading here today. In essence, it can all be complete crap... except for, you know, the things that happened to me!  (When I start writing really interesting things that I have learned, I will give everyone a 'un'disclosure.

Peace out.
M